From Bears, Betteridge & Bezos to Venice, Vilnius & Vostok - take the Ersatz Thursday Quiz

by user0 based on a concept devised by Martin Belam

The Thursday Quiz is on hiatus as Martin's had to reduce his work load He's promised it will be back later in the year, and we continue to wish him a patient recovery. But, fear not, the ersatz Thursday Quiz has at least one more round to go - with another fifteen-ish questions on topical triva. (And then post your scores here.)

  1. 1. Tool Station

    Are your opposable thumbs ready? Then, let us begin. A report released this week documented the first recorded tool use in which animal?

    Yes, Killer Whales were observed trimming a piece of seaweed, balancing it on their nose, and using it to slough dead skin from their peers.

    Or so researchers initially claimed. But when interviewed, the orca sheepishly admitted the brown kelp was actually a comedy wig, and they were whistling, Ooh, look me, I'm a silly human with seaweed growing out my head! La-di-da! La-di-da!

  2. 2. Born Free; held a captive for humanity's entertainment

    The presentation for Royal Ascot's Queen Elizabeth II Jubilee stakes were delayed when the winning horse threw its rider and galloped round the paddock. But which runner did a runner?

    Afterwards, jockey James Doyle apologised to the King. Charles replied, Don't worry, I've had fountain pens leak for longer.

  3. 3. Bear necessities

    A horse wasn't the only animal to throw off the shackles of humanity's oppressive tyranny this week: two brown bears also escaped from a wildlife park in Devon. But what did they do with their new found freedom?

    I'm trying really hard not to stereotype bears here. But, yes, they ate a week's worth of honey while the humans huddled inside a secure building. (Who's the attraction, now, eh?)

    Five-year old Mish then went back to his enclosure of his own volition while five-year old Lucy had to be lured back with a bell. You might call it oppression; they call it five-star service with waiters on hand to serve all their needs. Good views, too.

  4. 4. Unhindered

    In the last of this week's bear news, Michigan wildlife experts managed to remove what from a black bear last week?

    Yes, the experts were able to trap and sedate the bear, and cut off a blue lid which had been around the bear's neck for two years.

    The experts were surprised the bear had managed to feed itself and hibernate, but anybody who's had a cat with a "lampshade" will be completely unsurprised; I think you could tie a 2kg bag of sugar to a cat and they'd still be able to jump a fence, climb a tree, and get in through the cat flat. To be honest, I think cats have personal teleporters.

  5. 5. Further and Nearer with Geordie Alan Shearer

    I was going to rest the former England striker this week, but the first lines from Winnie-the-Pooh are a dead give away. So it's Karl that gets benched, and instead we imagine the well-respected football pundit has been turned into a cartoon and become lost in the 100 Aker Wood. And, in a completely fair question which you have every chance of guessing, we ask which of these destinations is furthest from Owl's house?

    They're not even on the same page. (Literally!) But, according to my ruler, Eeyore is 45mm from the base of Owls House; Pooh is 120mm.

    No scale is given, so I can't covert those distances into bear yards for you. But I think that tells us depression is always closer at hand than joy, and you have to go the extra 75mm to be happy. Although, the bee tree is only 30mm beyond the Gloomy Place so, in a pinch, consider honey.

  6. 6. New Forest; same old sh*t

    Speaking of annoying donkeys, why are eeyores causing an eyesore in the New Forest?

    Yes, they're knocking over the brown food waste bins that have been recently issued to residents by New Forest District Council. Once they've scattered the partial-decayed comestibles across the street, they snack on what they fancy, and leave the remainder to rot.

    I'm not in the New Forest, so I would view a donkey as a welcome change from the rats, foxes, and badgers doing the same.

  7. 7. Removed for Repair

    Let's take a break from the animals. I didn't expect prats at the museum to become a regular feature. But, once again, a tourist miming a comedy pose for a photograph has ended up losing their balance and damaging an artwork. This week it was a 1712 painting by Anton Domenico Gabbiani on display in Florence's Uffizi Gallery that got torn. But who was the painting of?

    Yes, it was Fer[di]nando!

    Not much to say about him really. But talking about last week's catastrophe at the Palazzo Maffei, museum director Vanessa Carlton said, Sometimes we lose our brains to take a picture, and we don’t think about the consequences. Quite.

  8. 8. I broke Betteridge's Law and all I got was this lousy invertebrate

    And some more invertebrates. A recent Guardian article pondered, What has the head of an ant, eyes of a housefly and legs of a spider? Well, what does have the head of ant, the eyes of a housefly, and the legs of a spider...?

    Yup, it was the snakefly. Apparently, they are living fossils which most closely resemble insects alive in the Jurassic.

    When asked for an opinion on them, Kemi Badenoch, the leader of the His Majesty's Opposition, said, We can't indulge this woke, chimerical nonsense beloved of progressives. Our ants must be ants, our spiders must be spiders, and our flies must be flies, and they can't simply chose willy-nilly what to be. Well that's one living fossil prone to regurgitating xenophobic views last heard when dinosaurs ruled the airwaves telling another.

  9. 9. Suetonius's: The Twelve Seas

    In a story you must have heard about, residents of Venice have been threatening to throw inflatable crocodiles/alligators into the canals. But why?

    Yes, it was Jeff's nuptials that were nixed with the threat of inflatables. Which goes to prove that you can organise as many protests as you like, and produce as many posters as you like, but it's only when you threaten to start blowing up reptiles that the Lizard People in charge actually listen.

  10. 10. Hotter or Colder with Special Agent Fox Muldor

    Last week's plans to dispose of Elon Musk met with a set back when Space-X blew up their latest rocket. (Who doesn't love an explosion where the only damage is to the wallet of the world's richest man?)

    So this week, we're scaling back our ambitions, and we've enlisted the help of Special Agent Fox Mulder to try and send Jeff Bezos somewhere more local: a maximum security space gaol. The plan is to build the penitentiary for billionaires on a nearby dwarf planet. But Jeff will only agree to go if it's the coolest dwarf planet in the solar system. So which of these will Jeff be visiting?

    According to Nasa [PDF/Table5.1], Ceres has a mean surface temperature of -38°C which is emininentley survivable. (A reliable-ish source suggests Moscow managed -38°C in 1956 so Putin wouldn't even pack a T-shirt.)

    Pluto, by contrast, is -233°C. Brrrr! So Bezos will do time for the crime of totalitaritechnocapitalism on Pluto - exactly as First Dog promised!

  11. 11. Hunters? Schmunters!

    That's the science lesson over. So back to the quiz. Lithuanian hunters got into trouble last week for doing what?

    Yes, at the risk of giving people who shoot animals for entertainment a good name, Vilnius's hunters refused to shoot a bear that had wandered into the city - despite the government calling open season on the mammal.

    As the hunters and the government tore lumps out of each other, the two year old bear ambled back to the woods. She was snapped a couple of days later with a picnic hamper in hand so, as a safety precaution, the government minister has advised people going down into the woods today that they better go in disguise.

    And, yes, I did lie when I said we'd had the last of the bear stories. There are more, too.

  12. 12. Lake Vostok

    Staying in the East, what's special about Lake Vostok?

    Lake Vostok is the largest of Antarctica's subglacial lakes, lying 4000m below the surface of the ice. It was probably sealed off from the rest of earth 15million years ago. Vostok, by the way, means "east".

    And, yes, I was also lying when I said the science lessons are over.

  13. 13. Queens of the Stone Age

    A pop diva has been copping flak for an album cover that shows her on all fours with a man pulling her hair. Who is said diva?

    Now I've got to write something silly about that cover. Let's move swiftly on, shall we?

  14. 14. Raccoon city

    The Guardian has been driving a moral panic about rampaging racoons having taken over which German city?

    Yes, Kassel is overrun with the stripy blighters. Apparently the raccoons can do the Kassel run in less than twelve parsecs. (And, yes, that joke was the sole reason this story featured.)

    Fortunately, raccoons will pose no threat in the New Forest if they ever make it to the UK: because they're scared of donkeys.

  15. 15. A warm and fuzzy fleece

    Talking about rodents nicking stuff, researchers at the University of Oxford have analysed data from 258 Uber drivers covering 1.5million journeys in the UK. What was median take Uber levied on it's Hard Working™ drivers?

    Indeed. Uber initially took a 20% cut. Then they raised it to 25%. Then they introduced dynamic pricing so their median take is now 29%. But, because it's dynamic, on some journeys, 50% of what you pay goes to Uber.

    Anybody want to move to Devon and live life as a visitor attraction? Bear suit provided.

  16. 16. Film & Cinema

    Before we go, there's time for one final, bonus shaggy-bear story. In an interview in the Guardian this week, Dan Ackroyd revealed that a scene from The Great Outdoors was cut because they only had space for one bear scene. (Philistines!) The cut scene had Dan doing what with a bear?

    Yup, Ackroyd said he got a pear bissed while they sat in a chair, hugging it out.

    And now the quiz is over, it's probably time for you to break open a cold one yourself and celebrate your success, or drown your failures!

You got...

0 / 0

I hope you found this honey funny; you can tell me how you did in my comments.

Please, challenge other Bears of Little Brain, as well as Bears of Much Brain, to the quiz.

And if you think there has been a really egregious error, it should be treated as a national emergency and forwarded to the office of Keir Starmer at 10 Downing Street, stat!